"You must be hammer or anvil" - Goethe
I am struck by the polarities intrinsic to life. All cultures are replete with maxims regarding the schizophrenic nature of our desires. An unfortunate result is that one rarely seems truly happy, completely fulfilled. Happy to be homeward bound or itching to get out'a this stinking town. When it's a one player game, I've found a balance by living at both homes. However, polarity is particularly cruel between two. It is not easy to switch seats.
The more devoted a woman shows herself, the sooner the man sobers down and becomes domineering. The more cruelly she treats him and the more faithless she is, the worse she uses him, the more wantonly she plays with him, the less pity she shows him, by so much will she increase his desire, be loved, worshipped by him. So it has always been, since the time of Helen and Delilah, down to Catherine the Great and Lola Montez."
Von Sacher-Masoch, Leopold. "Venus in Furst." Wordsworth Classic Erotica, Wordsworth Editions Limited, Hertfordshire, 1997, p. 10
Time provides ample room for people to drift to their corners. I am clingy, you are mean. My affection is costly, your's comes free. Your first step forward naturally determines the direction of your path.
I've sometimes asked a new beau, what she likes least about me, if we broke up, why would it be? I suspect 90% of our initial impressions are correct. The length of a relationship is determined by how long it takes us to realize them. Hopefully there is a dance, but eventually there is a fateful faux or the partners drift off -- never realizing they lost the beat.
But its not just that by defining ourselves to someone that we paint ourselves into a corner, desire places its doe in the corner before another enters the room:
But it was her manner as much as her looks that turned men's hearts into squirrel cages. First on stage, Salome appeared like a startled doe caught in the headlights of an on rushing truck. Timid and uncomfortable, she would fidget, flick her hair, roll her eyes, nervously clutch her tambourine, pluck at the seat of her girdle, and alternately glare and shrink form the audience. In no aspect, however, did this shyness or self-consciousness inhibit the free movement of her body once she began to dance. The effect was the of a seduction victim who, because she is virginal, betrothed to another man, or contemptuous of her seducer, mentally recoils from his sexual attentions, only to find her body enthusiastically responding in spite of herself. If there existed in the universe any display with a stronger guarantee of lighting the male libido, it had yet to be cataloged.
Robbins, Tom. "Skinny Legs and All." Bantam Books, New York. 1997. p.341
Consequently, I think its key to play different roles. Sometimes follow, sometimes lead. A trade imbalance of tears, can lead to a trade war of needs.