goatee

°13.12.17.Tue | Fishes and Ponds

I’d rather be well-liked by those nearby and unknown to those afar than to be a famous jerk. (Of course, I sometimes fear I’m a little-known jerk to all.)

°13.06.24.Mon | 36

°13.05.17.Fri | Duisburg

°13.04.30.Tue | Wolfe’s Neck Park, Maine

°13.02.25.Mon | Mass MoCa

°13.02.22.Fri | Karma and interbeing

I’ve always liked the expression that something “gives off more heat than light”: in some circumstances ideas can hinder more than help. Buddhism has similar sayings. A teaching can be thought of as a finger pointing to the moon, but it should not be confused with the moon. A concept can be like a raft used to cross a river, but one should not cling to the raft once one has reached the other shore. Finally, if you see the Buddha, kill the Buddha.

I tend to view the notion of karma as one of these confounding concepts. Karma is often used in the sense of vengeance or divine justice: “karma sucks dude” seems contrary to the much more useful notion of compassion. And lest you think this is just a Western corruption, conservative Hindus and Buddhists use the idea much like an ignorant preacher blaming a natural disaster on homosexuality. (In fact, some Hindus blamed the 2004 tsunami on the growth of Christianity in India.)

However, there is an idea in Buddhism, interbeing, that after years of reflection has brought me to an understanding of what karma might mean. A practice of mine is that when I’m considering someone I do not like I think “had I been born with their biology into their circumstances, I would be just like them.” This is karma in the Zen sense: “this then that.” I like this meditation because it exemplifies interdependence, furthers compassion, and challenges the very notion of “I” and “them.” Some might be troubled that this seems deterministic, that there is no free will or accountability. As I’ve written elsewhere, even if we live in a deterministic universe we’re still accountable moral beings. And, if one is fortunate to have some measure of grace (either by birth, disposition, or even in overcoming difficult circumstances) one can affect the conditions of others for the better. (See the story of the sadistic killer Angulimala’s redemption.)

°13.02.12.Tue | It snowed

°13.01.25.Fri | Hack your mental health

Of late there’s been much discussion of depression and suicide among geeks. (See Clay Shirky’s thoughtful piece.) Yet, like Valerie Aurora, I find much of it to be a “torrent of well-meaning but patronizing advice to suicidal people.” While I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression I also believe people have a right to die. What is tragic is when people commit suicide out of desperation. That is, they did not have the time or resources to deal with mental illness or life’s difficult circumstances –especially if those circumstances are unnecessary, as it is with bullying. Most tragically, many delay or forgo treatment because of attitudes of shame or “gumption.”

A 2007 study in the journal Psychiatric Services looked at 303 mental health patients who had, in the past year, thought about going to the doctor but decided against it. The researchers asked them why. The most frequent response, from 66 percent of the patients, had to do with attitude: They thought the problem would get better on its own. Seventy-one percent agreed with the statement “I wanted to solve the problem on my own.” Cost was a barrier too: 47 percent cited financial obstacles as a reason not to seek treatment. Still, attitudinal barriers about the value of mental health care seemed to be be the biggest obstacle. – Seven facts about America’s mental health-care system

My own attitude was affected by the following insight: untreated depression and anxiety is physically unhealthy. In addition to the excruciating mental anguish, they compound other problems, such as chronic pain and sleep disorders, and can even damage your brain. You wouldn’t continue to bear the pain of walking on a broken foot and possibly throw out a knee or your back as well, so why let this go?

Hence, as a geek, I think of my own issues as a brain with some bugs, but also one I can hack. That sounds silly and trite, but it helps me lighten up. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Sylvia Boorstein, similarly refers to this as a “neurological glitch.” In her awesome interview with Krista Tippit she notes:

There are people who are given to fretting without a fretful environment. I think it’s actually a genetic glitch of neurology and that it happens to some people and not for other people…. This is what happens when I’m challenged… I tell people that my glitch is that “when in doubt, worry.” It came with the equipment. I’m also short and I have brown eyes. If I could see that in the same neutral [way], it just came with the equipment, then I don’t have to feel bad about it, but I can work with it wisely.

We can work wisely with and hack many bugs (or glitches). Yoga, swimming, petting a dog, eating well, getting some sun, maintaining relationships, and cognitive behavior therapy are all DIY hacks known to be effective. (I also get a lot of this with Buddhism: mindfulness, meditation, and sangha.) I’ve also greatly benefited from medication when needed. That said, should I ever feel that my suffering (whatever its source) is too great and irreversible, I reserve the option to exit DIY style. And if I do that, it won’t be rash; I’ve been through the wringer enough to know that things can get better. However, whenever and however I do die, I hope to do it mindfully and with compassion for myself and others. I’ve owned a copy of Final Exit, in one edition or another, for over a decade. I hope to have it for many decades more. Its yellowing pages reminds me of the suffering I’ve surmounted; its continued presence reassures me that I have options when my time has come.

°13.01.17.Thu | Hand and hair

To save trees, bathrooms lack paper towels. To dry hands, my head thankfully still has hair.

°13.01.14.Mon | Baking Scars

While I like tattoos and a few piercings, I’m not so fond of ear stretching or purposeful scarification. However, I am proud of my baking scars.

The most recent scab, gained via a pot pie, is presently a minor nuisance. But the scars on the outer portions of my (palm side) wrists are kind of elegant. They are the result of my weekly pizza baking as I place and retrieve the pizza from the bottom of the oven without having first removed the lowest wire wrack.